tired of lifting weights

After three months of complete peace, my streak is over. With one fateful phone call my past spills mercilessly into my present. Granted, I've been given many warnings from the trusted best friend..."He's been wanting to call you."..."He said he was gonna call you this weekend."..."You should be expecting a call soon."... and I can't forget his so very slick visits to campus to simply say "hello". In true messy-breakup-ex-girlfriend style I avoided such public encounters until that familiar ring sung throughout the library with my expectancy singing right along beside it...

Coffee happened. Then dinner. In a matter of a week texts were exchanged, music was listened to in his car, bookstores were browsed, comparisons were made, and oh, declarations of love expressed. An "I love you" left his coffee stained lips. Or did I get it right? It was something around the lines of...[exact quote] "I am head over heels in love with you." Yes, I think that was it. Are my ears functioning correctly? We've broken up twice already; was he thinking the third time is the charm? I stared past him to the couple sitting behind us; it was all I could do not to slip a giggle. Did I mention he said I LOVE YOU. 

First of all I'm not one to fall for cliches..."head over heels"? Lets get a little more creative, shall we? We were on and off for a year and quite frankly, I've grown tired. My limits were tested. My trust was shoved aside. My love was taken for granted. In other words... I've learned my lesson.

• His argument: Apparently, deep down inside I have a yearning to get back together but I've built a wall and for some reason I won't let myself try.
  
• My argument: If such a wall exists he built it with all his shit. Besides that... there is no damn wall. I just moved on.

• He says: "I don't know you anymore, you don't know me; we've changed, it will be different. I need you to know that I've changed."
• I say: I suppose leaving my grill on for 5 days and stealing my parents' liquor is a grand improvement. Getting back together would be a colossal leap of faith if I've ever seen one. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, my house will be burnt to the ground.

Despite his assertions of our undeniable connection (which, by the way, I was not aware of) and an evening visit to bring me a flower after my performance in the play, I still view him as the same person. And if he has changed, ironically, I'm thinking I still wouldn't be attracted to him because I was only attracted to the wrong things in the first place.

In one such conversation, when I was outlining the reasons of how I've moved and that I've reached a point where I'm only settling for the best, he proceeded to tell me that my standards are too high and that he's only human; he might not be there 100% of the time but he can try his best. What he fails to notice is that it's not what he's doing or what he could do, but what he did. What I did. And what we are never going to do again.

But in a more positive light I have to take a moment and I admire his persistence. He really is a good person and he has surprised me in his dogged resoluteness. Unfortunately, it's 4 months too late. It's amazing how he can so adamantly believe that we are a perfect fit yet, I feel that we are worlds apart. Not to mention we are at completely different roads in life. I have so many goals and when I asked him to name his top 5 he replied plainly, "in my own time." It's also come to my attention that I'm sounding overly pompous. Let me clarify, I'm not a boy magnet by any means, nor do I claim to be, however, for some reason that I have yet to identify, I have beguiled this young man in every possible way. But I can tell you I fully intend to get some answers in the hopes of using such techniques in the future!

Here's where it gets sticky. When all distracting emotions lay silent, I'm left with such a clear view of what I believe to be right/wrong. Of course, sometimes when I'm "right" I'll be wrong and vice-versa but I've been trying to impart said clarity to willing (and some unwilling) friends. I've recently acquired an uber-feminist outlook on life. However, my sphere of influence only goes so far.  I've learned rants of women empowerment and girl outings don't do much to wipe away tears, assuage the guilt of a lost boyfriend, or prevent a trip to the scale, just in case that milkshake magically added 10 pounds in the past 24 hours.

To feel secure with one's self (mind, body, and soul) obviously takes your own methods of self-preservation intermittent with episodes of grieving. Unfortunately, it's only during these moments that we're struck with how far we've actually fallen.

I tend to sink like most. Slowly dropping beneath the surface, my hair winnowing as my oxygen slowly dwindles. Yet, others plunge. They fall so fast that the rush is too exhilarating to stop and think. What we fail to realize, despite the aching in our ears and what little breath we have left, is that we have to rise to the top every now and then to regain a bit of that clarity that comes to us so easily on land. And then... when do we know when to come up for air? Is it after a few fights? No, I've got plenty of time left. What about when our stomachs ache with hurt? Oh, that's nothing. And when we're so far over our heads that there's no longer a visible glimmer of light on the water's surface and we actually believe that we've almost reached the bottom, what about then? That's what we're after, right, to touch the bottom? To feel the love of struggling through something, fighting, making-up, but in the end, getting there. 

I hope to delay the inevitable as long as possible; the day that I truly believe I've altered fate and he (whoever he may be) has tied weights to my feet, wishing me good luck as I plummet downwards...

... let's hope I have my scuba suit.