Spilt Coffee

I should start by saying something like "'I've lost all faith in the male species" or "please, grow some balls" but instead I'm going to try to write calmly when I say it was all a joke and it's always best to stick with your first inclination. 

I was hit with the harsh reality today from another friend who works at Caribou that a majority of the Caribou staff plus bystanders have read my blog...o! and coffeeguy, of course. So while breaking out in red splotches, cussing feverishly, and suffering under 10 minutes of relentless embarrassment (make that 60 min.) I've come to terms with the obvious. As coffeegirl says, "you shouldn't have been stupid enough to post that anyway." I fully agree, because as naive as this sounds I wasn't under the impression that many wandering eyes actually read my completely public blog. So now I'm stuck at the question, why does it matter if everyone knows who I liked? As much as I would like to say it doesn't that's not how I feel. I guess it's that we are scared to be vulnerable because being open to rejection is a scary thing. I hate to think that people know when I'm flirting because at that point your heart is smack dab on the line and when the line is erased and there is no more potential for something to arise, you feel a deadened weight on your shoulders and I'd like to think that I'm a little tougher than to let that happen. I'll recover. It's just that I thought I was on the right track; I was focusing my attention on something that could do me no harm. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it played out. 

So here's the awful truth; my first kiss was a drunken disaster but not much of a kiss to begin with and then hoping to redeem myself I fall for Billy who everyone tells me I'm too good for. Despite this apparent truth we continue for a year, announcing his love but never quite following through and might I add, a terrible conversationalist; and while I thought I loved him at the time it's hard to recall love once it's lost. Next comes the part where I make the biggest mistake of my life and kiss a willing friend's boyfriend and last but not least, another drunken hookup where I frantically resisted further contact once we made it back to his dorm room.... [the aforementioned slutty qualities have since been drastically reevaluated] So then I stumble upon coffee guy. It's weird because I'd never taken a moments glance at this kid before and then suddenly I found myself overwhelmingly confused. He hardly talks, he glances down every five seconds when he looks at me, but somewhere within I deemed him a professional flirt. It was only until I was caught up in a moment where I thought someone liked me that I started liking him. I found myself at ease that he was the complete opposite of my last boyfriend. He's an easy talker, from a Christian background, thus, has morals, and obviously devoted to something besides understanding the complexities of  female anatomy. As incestuous and creepy as this sounds, he reminds me a lot of my brother; present at Church on Sundays, honest as ever, and in general a nice guy. I can't say for a fact this is how coffeeguy behaves but that's the impression I got...then again, I got a lot of impressions...

Anyway, like I said before, I'm a romantic so there's no doubt it hurts. I react when I find someone I like, I bask in my emotions, and I cry, but I can gladly say that I will not be crying about this one. In some screwed up manner I'm glad this happened? That's not to say I would like it to happen again but it's taught me a valuable blogging lesson; I'm proud that my blog gained some attention and that it was a fairly decent post that sparked so much emotion. In my hopes of being a writer, I figure this is good practice in exposing the truths of my heart. And when I'm writing for a prominent magazine in some high-fashion city he can take on his acting job...after all, he did a damn good job of convincing me he was someone else.

I still can't comprehend how asking a person out is so simply termed a joke; I feel very much in the high school setting and more than ever ready to leave for college to be with real people who can display real emotions. However, I hope he's learned a lesson because I've certainly learned mine. But I stand by all previous statements including, "He's three years older than me, very shy, and 100% sexy" And despite any doubts, I haven't turned into a cynical bitter girl however, maybe a little more protective of my emotions; I still love Valentines Day and in the light of things, I know I will have many more exceedingly, less cringeworthy, memories to come.

...and I'm still fully expecting my CD Adam.