"When I let go of what I am...

So here's my sentimental rant...bear with me + click on the title to get the soundtrack for said sentiment:

I'm trying to take note of how we got here. How suddenly, within the last few thick pages of this chapter, the truths that have always existed seem... more real. It's the last puddle of wine in your glass [more like vitamin water but wine sounds classier], it's the last paragraph of your favorite book, and it's that goodbye glance from a car window.

It's not fair how I feel like I'm just beginning to appreciate everything in these past couple of months but then again, it's never had more value than right now. I'm at the most monumental time in my life and yet, it sounds stupid to talk about it because millions of people already know what's going to happen to me. I'll finally pick a school, pick a major, pick a job, pick a husband. In this way, I've got it all figured out. Unfortunately, I'm not one to plan for the future. I'd like to think that I can be calm and rational but when it comes right down to it, I'm the worst decision maker that's ever placed foot on this earth and most of the time my decisions are based purely on whim rather than thoughtful meditation.

I don't do well with change. I become flustered, an overload of questions spit from my mouth, and nausea takes a permanent residence in the back of my throat. With a reaction like this who wouldn't be cautious when adopting something different than the mainstream. (Note: to make matters worse, there's a new caribou girl...WAY too cheery. I thought Caribou was about being collectively morose and sharing our woes. She's just making me pissed off).

But after much reflection on the topic...I don't want to know in advance what's going to happen; I can't know as long as I have a body that so harshly rejects any sign of change. It's the realization that at this point, it doesn't matter how we got here. At this point, it's savoring every taste until here is gone.