no sex in the city

Turns out I absolutely hate the doctor.

1) I can never find the damn place because it's hidden in the ghetto. 

2) They're stingy with their meds unless it means they get to poke you in the arm!

3) I'm 18 and still going to the fucking pediatrician. 

.... I went to the doctor today. To my dismay, my mother insisted on meeting me over there so the doctor could fill out some forms she had to send out for me for college?? Of course, I'm incapable of doing this myself so I walk into the office (only after 10 minutes of being lost on the same street that the doctor's office is located; it's sheltered by these annoyingly tall trees that don't deserve a name) and see my mom chit chatting with the nurse. I'd been using the car ride over to think of a way to slide the inevitable uncomfortable statement into normal conversation.....

"Did you call the admissions people yet about shipping your clothes?", my mom asked.

"Uh, not yet. So mom, I'm going to ask for birth control."

"...", she stared with eyes wide open and a mouth that just hung shocked.

"Uh, not for like, uh, normal reasons, but just so like, uh, I can be on track."

I was saved from the most awkward heart-to-heart of my life when my name was called over the loud-speaker. I walked into a room smelling of baby powder and disease and covered in dancing animals. Little did I know, it could only get worse. I sat in a green chair in the corner filling out a questionnaire that the nurse had handed to me on my way in:

1) Do you have a social group at school?

2) What do you like to do for fun?

3) Have you or your friends tried alcohol?

I have got to see a fucking gyno, I thought. 

My mom had followed me into the room and sat down next to me, opened up her schedule, and tried to recover from the shock of my recent need to take birth control. In the past, the Doctor had always asked my mother to leave in the middle of the appointment so she could ask me about the "personal stuff". However, this time, not one fucking word. My mother even offered to leave the room and my doctor said, "Oh, it's no big deal." 

....

I had no choice. It was now or never. 

"Uh, I've been telling my mother that I need birth control," I mumbled.

"What do you need now?" she asked with a smile.

"I was just telling my mom that I was thinking about going on birth control."

"I still can't understand what you're saying, can you say it one more time," she cooed with her smile still hanging from her face like a paralyzed clown.

"I WAS THINKING ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL."

"Oh! Well, are there any signs that you've been seeing? Have you kept up with your cycle?"

"uhhh, it's more like I would just like to, uh, lessen the symptoms," I stuttered.

"Well, I would suggest you just wait a few months and track your cycle and see if you're regular or not because at your age it might be 28 days a month or 34 between the next month so that's completely normal. If it's a more serious problem like intense cramps or bleeding to the point of anemia then that's another issue. Unless you need it for actual.... birth..... control. 

Ah ha! Now I have you at a loss for words you baby hugging, crotch peeking, pregnancy inducing woman. 

I turned to look at my mother's face and back to my Doctor. 

"Well I am going to college," hinting at the sweet freedom of sexual activity.

"Well...uh, if it's just about convenience then it's not a necessity right now. Why don't you wait a while and see what happens," my doctor responded.

Like when a baby is conceived in my uterus? Okay, great.

The rest of my visit was spent on top of the examination table where the Doctor prodded at my stomach and around other parts, which will remain unused until further consultation, and receiving 1/3 of an HPV vaccine. So while, both my Doctor and mother are under the assumption that I won't be having sex in the next year, I need to get a vaccine to prevent a disease contracted through sex but I can't have birth control to prevent my mother from becoming a grandmother. Ugh. Between the baby crying in the next room and the tissue paper crinkling under my ass every time I moved (you know what I'm talking about), I was about to pop. I realize I got the shot for protective measures but isn't that what I need birth control for??? If someone's going to stick something into me it better be a plastic speculum because honestly, I can deal with a visit to a GYNO's office where someone will stick something up my vagina if it means that when someone else sticks something up there something else won't be coming out 9 months later.

My Doctor made one last appearance to wish me good luck at college. I resisted flashing her my coochie and screaming, just because your 50 odd years of age and have a weakened position in the department of sex and tampons doesn't mean your patients don't need help in the matter [granted, most of her patients are below the age of 15 but I don't care, she had kids at home too] !!!!! I'm also aware that I sound like a pre-menopausal, let's-have-one-last-go, dried up kind of mom but this is the first thing I've written in weeks so just go with it.          

So now I'm on my period, still no birth control (ergo: no sex in future months at the off chance I'll find someone at Boston I will want to have sex with), and my arm hurts. Sweet hoopla!